Peace~Doe

Hemmingway. I love the quote.
I once heard it said that pain is the touch stone of all spiritual progress. The difference between a stumbling block and a stepping stone, is the way one precieves it. I have had many a stumbling block turn so unexpectedly into a stepping stone. Sometimes just pebbles at a time along the by-way of my life.

I was looking for a place to write for a long time, some not so pretty stuff. Any avenue to lance the wound, so to speak. Turned inward that amount of pain permiates the spirit almost killing the soul....

So folks get queezy at the mere mention of anothers suicide. It is so against evrything we naturally know. For others it is the only way out, to take some kind of control, to alter the outcome of what must feel like an unbearable situtation.

My husbands suicide would not be the first one in my personal life, nor would it be the last. I never understood why so much tragedy in one life...

Something felt uneven about it all. I don't remember asking "Why God" I do remember asking, how could you! And I was as angry as that twelve year that lingered inside me. Standing in the pew on Sunday sermon, knowing the pastor was damning me to hell again. And I hated him right back.

I found my husband, my dearest friend. The kindest hand I'd ever known in my 42 years of life. Gone in our bed with a gun shot to his temple, self inflicted. A Smith & Weston, hammerless 38. Four silver bullets lay on the cover. The gun took five, he only used one. A game of roulette before breakfast... what was he thinking?

Our nine year old was playing video games right in the next room. He wasn't thinking at all! What to do, what to do? I went in and out of the room four times before I had the courage to check for a pulse. That I knew wasn't there. Damn it, damn it, damn it.....

There was no time to break now. I cal the police, woke my nineteen year old and got my sons out of the house. With out ever letting my youngest know what happened...

When I hit this "Add Comment" button and share my life on this paper. On this web site....right here in Fresno. I will have travel years and come thousands of miles, just to rest my broken wings.

Thanks for letting me share.....